pants: t deuce a nice cool breeze is blowing up my skirt deuce: that's because you're a trollop pants: and because butterfly wings flapped somewhere deuce: chaos theory explains why you're a harlot

: Chapter 21: : "Hurray!" chirped Pants as he tumbled out of the laundry hamper and ran to the door. "The whores are here!" For whatever reason, Pants was particularly excited about their impending arrival and had been trying not to hyperventilate when the knock to the door finally came. : Spigot barely looked up from his big sandwich in progress to acknowledge their presence: "Hello whores!" : The women entered the room nervously at first, squinting to make out the dirty apartment's features. When they spotted the bong sitting on the coffee table, they started to feel more at ease. These guys might be freaks but at least they probably weren't cops. pants: HURRAY THE WHORES ARE HERE spigot: HELLO WHORES pants: THE FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS: DO THE FUCKING DISHES AND BE QUIET ABOUT IT spigot: FOLLOWING THAT WE NEED THE GARAGE CLEANED OUT pants: WILL YOU TAKE AN OUT OF STATE CHECK spigot: I HAVE AN ATM CARD AND A PIN NUMBER

pants: COCKS pants: COCKS, COCKS pants: COCKS COCKS COCKS COCKS atandt: FUCKING SHUT UP pants: MY LAST CHECK BOUNCED

pants: LEARNING ABOUT BONERS pants: CHAPTER ONE "THEY GO IN YOUR FUCKING MOUTH" spigot: THE END deuce: SIR NO WAIT

deuce: ROTATUHUHHHHH

deuce: HI STUPIDS AND STUPIDETTES pants: BARF ON MY COCK OR DIE TRYING spigot: GIVE THE GIFT OF FARTS

spigot: I'M A CHARCOAL BRIQUETTE spigot: SQUIRT ME WITH FLUID AND LIGHT ME spigot: FOOMP URF GAY

deuce: TOUCH MY DICK spigot: WILL IT CHARGE MY SUIT UP TO 100

private jim: TODAY I BECOME A MAN sparky: BOOF BZZZP POP DOP atandt: I SEE MARTIN SHEEN IN THE ROLE OF SPARKY spigot: VIVID'S FATTEST FACES

deuce: HELP I'M BEING CHASED BY THOSE ROBOTS FROM INTERSTELLAR

atandt: I'M ATANDT deuce: HI ATANDT atandt: HI deuce: DO YOU WANT TO LICK MY MASSIVELY SMALL PRICK atandt: I'M ATANDT deuce: HI ATANDT

deuce: T SPIGOT I HAVE AN ITCHY SPOT ON MY BACK atandt: I'M ATANDT deuce: T ATANDT I HAVE AN ITCHY SPOT UP MY ASS deuce: CLEARLY I'M ESCALATING atandt: TO BE CONTINUED

pants: I'M EIGHT BIT CLEAN pants: T DEUCE TURN ME OVER AND CHECK FOR YOURSELF) deuce: T PANTS I WILL TAKE YOUR WORD FOR IT

pants: CHECK IT OUT: YOU HAVE CANCER ............. NOW

pants: CHECK IT OUT MY BONER IS BECOMING SELF-AWARE (MAKING YOU LOOK) deuce: IT LOOKS LIKE A CURLY LITTLE PIG TAIL pants: YANK IT

spigot: LICK MY DICK AND GET 10% CASH BACK spigot: AT PARTICIPATING DICKLICKERIES

spigot: ONE FOR JOKER 2 PLEASE pants: SORRY CAN'T LET YOU IN UNTIL YOU SAY FOLIE A DEUX spigot: GOODBYE

pants: OW deuce: AWW YEAH pants: PRICK TAKES FACE deuce: HUMPING ME pants: HUMPING YOU deuce: CHECK MATE

spigot: T H E M A T R I X spigot: CHECKMATE ATHIESTS spigot: R O B O C O P 2 spigot: OKAY YOU GOT ME

pants: IF WE SMOKE FOUR BOWLS WILL IT BE 7PM AGAIN pants: HMM pants: CHECK MY MATH deuce: GO GO GO

spigot: HHHHHHHOOOAAARK OKAY THEN spigot: URMPH HURMPH JESUS AND JOSEPH spigot: SON OF A pants: COCKS

deuce: hated it pants: check this shit out (beats off)

deuce: T PANTS I NEED TO CHECK YOUR PITOT TUBE pants: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT pants: OH RIGHT WHAT YOU AMERICANS CALL A "GLORIOUS HOLE" (LOOSELY TRANSLATED)

pants: COCK, BARFED ON deuce: PANTS, CROTCHLESS pants: CHAPS, ASSLESS deuce: NO THEY ARE VERY ASSFUL (THEY'RE WORKING AGAINST TYPE) spigot: JESUS CHRIST I THOUGHT IT WAS THE COPS OR A SWAT TEAM BANGING ON OUR FRONT DOOR BUT IT WAS THE STOUFFER'S LASAGNA CUSTOMER SUCCESS SQUAD ASKING IF I NEEDED MORE PARMESAN spigot: IT'LL BE HERE IN 4-6 WEEKS

effigy: :WHITE_CHECK_MARK: PASSPORT effigy: :WHITE_CHECK_MARK: VISA effigy: :WHITE_CHECK_MARK: PLANE TICKET pants: MY UNVAXXED LOAD ??? effigy: GROSS

pants: IF I SUBSTITUTE PISS FOR WATER IN A CAKE RECIPE DOES THAT MAKE IT A PISS CAKE deuce: I THINK YOU'RE BEING VERY CIS HET HERE pants: I'M A CISSY HET TERF WITH A HEART OF BI deuce: SQUINTING deuce: CHECKS OUT :CHECKERED_FLAG:

deuce: WELCOME TO (checks phone) SAN JOSE effigy: IS THAT THE ROSICRUCIAN MUSEUM??? deuce: WHO GIVES A SHIT

spigot: CHEERS TO PRICKS !!!!!! spigot: JEERS TO LOCKS/DEADBOLTS

deuce: ITERATIVELY TRYING EVERY CHEESE IN THE SAFEWAY CHEESE CAROUSEL, WRITING NOTES ON EACH TO POST TO MY BLOG effigy: NICE. HAVE YOU GOTTEN TO SMOKED GOUDA YET? deuce: I WILL DIE BEFORE I AM DONE

deuce: T PANTS DO YOU LIKE ME pants: T DEUCE TONS deuce: T PANTS THEN WHY THE FUCK WON'T YOU MAKE ME CHEESE BREAD pants: T DEUCE IS CHEESE BREAD THE ONE WHERE UH pants: WHERE UH pants: YOU KNOW

pants: MULTI-PASS

spigot: LIKE A FOOT OR SO pants: THEY ARE TOASTERS AND THEY FLY spigot: ROUGHLY TWO BARLEYCORNS IN DIAMETER pants: IN THE BATHROOM??? BUT THAT'S WHERE I POO AND PEE!!! GROSS!!! spigot: AT LEAST HALF A HECTARE pants: AT FIRST I WAS EXCITED ABOUT THE “CHEESECAKE PIX” BUT THEY WERE JUST NUDES

pants: PISS JUG / HGLUAHLGUHAGLUG spigot: KEEP IT DOWN deuce: CHEESE IT! HERE COME THE COPS

pants: I'M A CHEETAH GIRL deuce: GET CRACKIN' CHEETAHGIRL, THERE'SYARDWORK TO DO

pants: A LITTLE PINCH spigot: A SLIGHT PRICK pants: A BRIEF POKE

spigot: I WON'T GO ASTRAY spigot: BECAUSE I AM GAY spigot: HEY HEY HAY WAY GAY spigot: HUB BUB BUB LUB BLUB spigot: MY NAME IS SADE

spigot: TOO DAZED WITH DICKS TO BOOKMARK THE BABYLON 5 FAQ spigot: PROBLEMS spigot: TALKING TO YOU ONLINE FOLKS pants: SORRY WAS BUSY STUFFING MY FACE WITH CARROTS STICKS AND CELERY spigot: AND pants: AND CAKE pants: AND A HOSTESS PIE (CHERRY) spigot: WE ALL LICK DICKS DON'T WE deuce: MORE OR LESS

spigot: AND A ONE spigot: AND A TWO AND A spigot: MAKIN' YOUR WAY / IN THE WORLD TODAY spigot: TAKES EVERYTHING YOU GGGGGGGGGGGGG OW spigot: SON OF A spigot: JESUS CRAP AND CHRIST AND COCKS spigot: TAKIN' A BREAK / FROM ALL YOUR WORRIES spigot: SURE WOULD HELP A LUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH LORD GOD ALMIGHTY

spigot: HOW'S MY BEIGE WINDBREAKER spigot: DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M HUSTLING STARS AT A BUS STATION spigot: I'M ZIPPING IT UP TO HERE AND THAT'S FINAL effigy: SIR, THIS JACKET IS FOR `MEMBERS ONLY` spigot: IF I PUSH ALL 4 ROOKS UP MY REAR END I'LL BE CHESS KING

deuce: hurrrk chest pains pants: clutching my heart, falling to my knees, sucking people off while i'm down there

pants: urrrrk chest pains pants: no wait these are the usual sunday night chest pains pants: hi guys deuce: in the bottom

deuce: IF YOU THINK YOU'RE HAVING A HEART ATTACK SHOULD YOU FLAP YOUR ARMS REALLY VIGOROUSLY AND MAKE BIRD SOUNDS deuce: ASKING FOR A FRIEND pants: ARE YOU CHEST PAINS

deuce: SOMETHING YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR WHEN YOU ARE WHEELED INTO THE EMERGENCY ROOM

pants: CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP deuce: CHEW THAT CUD YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARD pants: CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP

pants: SHOW ME CHEWBACCA'S DICK pants: SORRY WAIT THAT'S NOT RIGHT pants: COMPUTER, SHOW ME CHEWBACCA'S DICK deuce: LET ME TRY deuce: COMPUTER, SHOW ME THE DICK OF CHEWBACCA deuce: COMPUTER, SHOW ME CHEWY'S DICK deuce: NOPE ISN'T WORKING pants: THIS FUCKING SUCKS I WANT TO SEE WOOKIE DICK pants: YOU ARE ALL A BUNCH OF BOLSHEVIKS deuce: ONLY MENSHEVIKS HERE

deuce: CAN'T HELP BUT THINK IT'S TIME FOR CHICKEN FRIES pants: WHY NOT FROG FRIES deuce: BECAUSE 1. THAT'S GROSS AND 2. THOSE DON'T EXIST pants: FAIR POINT

pants: LET'S GO TO 7-11 FOR CHOCO-TACOS AND SLURPEES AND 25 CENT COMIC BOOKS (MARVEL NOT DC) deuce: :CHICKEN: :FRIES: pants: BUK BUK pants: BUK pants: EXCUSE ME BUT I'M DOWN WITH THE CLOWN TILL I’M DEAD IN THE GROUND deuce: SO NOTED

pants: I HAVE A COLD IN MY BALLS pants: SOMEBODY GET THEM SOME CHICKEN SOUP

pants: NO HIPPIE CHICKS pants: ALSO NO FAT CHICKS pants: NO CRUNCHY GRANOLA CHICKS EITHER pants: MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST DRAFT A BLANKET RULE ON THIS ONE deuce: HOISTED ON MY OWN RETARD [SIC]

spigot: FOLKS DID YOU HAVE ANY IDEA THAT SODA IS ESSENTIALLY PURE SUGAR AND LEADS TO CHILDHOOD OBESITY AND DIABETES AND DEPRESSION AND DICKLICKING ON THE MICHAEL'S CRAFTS CRAFTING CRUISE

spigot: "I WANTED IT TO LOOK LIKE A CHILDREN'S BOOK" SAID EVERY UNTALENTED 20SOMETHING ANIMATOR ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH

spigot: I AM LATE FOR MY 2:00 AM BONGHIT spigot: THAT BONG IS GOING TO BE STEAMED !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! spigot: SPEAKING OF ORDERING CHINESE FOOD spigot: BEEP BOOP BOOP BEEP BEEP BOOP BEEP spigot: FONG DONG NUMBER TWO!!! spigot: CHONG BONG THREE AND FOUR!!!! spigot: LICKY DICKY AND CHOPPY STICKY!!!!! pants: HGLBHGLBURHLBHLRUB spigot: SAY WHAT pants: HALGHALUGHALUBHALUGH spigot: WELL WHAT NUMBER IS THIS

spigot: SPLUT, SPLOSH, SPLORP spigot: THESE CHINESE FRENCH FRIES TASTE LIKE TOFU spigot: THE EXPONENTIAL GROWTH OF MY NATURAL LOG

spigot: I'LL BE PERFORMING THE CHINESE LINKING RINGS AT TH-- spigot: ACTUALLY HANG ON spigot: DONK BONK OKAY I FORGOT HOW THEY LINK spigot: SERIOUSLY I COULD LINK THEM IF YOU COULD PLEASE GET OFF ME

deuce: ANYONE NOT PRESENTLY A HO FOR THE DEUCE CAN NOW CONSIDER THEMSELVES ONE spigot: I'M ALL THAT AND A BAG OF CHIPS AHOY spigot: OKAY I'M WHITE spigot: I MEAN I'M A ZEBRA STOP HITTING

spigot: I SNACK AFTER 3PM spigot: CHOCOLATE AND BATHING SUITS AND GETTING GROPED

spigot: WE'VE REALLY GOTTEN OFF THE ORIGINAL TOPIC OF WHO FORGED VOICE MAIL FROM ME TO THE WHOLE COMPANY TRYING TO SELL CHOCOLATE EASTER DICKS deuce: NONCHALANT

pants: T DEUCE FROM THE BOOK OF WANG PSALM 41 pants: O THE WANGS / THEY MAKE MY DIZZY / O SO DIZZY / I'LL SIGN ANYTHING WHEN I'M IN THIS STATE / O THE WANGS / THEY MAKE US DIZZY/ YES RATHER DIZZY / QUITE DIZZY IN FACT pants: O THE WANGS / AND ON AND ON / I SHOULD SLEEP SOON / YES THE WANGS THE WANGS WANGS WANGS WANGS / DIZZY AND SO FORTH deuce: THIS CHURCH FUCKING SUCKS

pants: ALL TOGETHER NOW pants: HUGAOLGULAGALUGALUG pants: ALGUALGUALGUALGUAGU pants: ALGUALGUALGUALGUALGUALGUALG spigot: CAN WE START AGAIN spigot: ALGUAALGUALGUALGUALGUALGUALALGUALGUALGUALGUALGUALGUAL spigot: SORRY ON YOUR COUNT spigot: ONE spigot: ALGUALGUALGUALGUALGUALG spigot: OKAY SORRY pants: OFFSIDES

pants: HERE'S WHAT I THINK BLGHLABGLHG NEVER EVER SHUTS UP deuce: LHGLAHGLAHGLAHGLAG HLAGHGHLGHAL STILL NOT HEARING COMMITMENT GALGHLAGHALGH pants: ALHGLBAGHABG MY OWN VOICE IS SO SWEET ALUHGAGHBLAGYHLAG I KNOW WHAT'S BEST ALGUHABL GHUALGBLAG deuce: LGHAGLHALHG LHAGLHALG HALGHALGHALGH FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF AHGLAGHHLAG HALGHALGH LAGHALGH

deuce: BALLS BALLS BALLS BALLS BALLS spigot: CHOKE ON A COCK YOU STUPID SHIT spigot: OVER

deuce: GGLHALGHALG pants: ARE YOU CHOKING???? LICK THIS DICK FOR YES AND THOSE FOUR DICKS FOR NO

pants: THAT CHOKING PROBLEM IS BACK (WHERE I CHOKE)

spigot: HOW CAN I MAKE MY FONT 80 COLS pants: BEEP deuce: BHLALHABHLBHLABHLBA spigot: CHOKING ME

spigot: LET'S ALL SET OUR PHASERS ON "BORING" deuce: YOU COCKSUCKING LIBERAL

spigot: FRESHLY BAKED DONGS!!!!!!! deuce: HURRAY FOR US spigot: CHOKING QUEUE

pants: GAKKKK pants: YOUR HANDS ARE TIGHT AROUND MY FAT NECK deuce: CHOKING AND TEACHING ALL AT THE SAME TIME pants: GAKKKK MOSTLY CHOKING pants: IT IS MOSTLY ALL CHOKING deuce: SO BE IT

pants: IN LONDON THEY'RE CALLED HAEMERROIDES deuce: WHATEVER PAEDOPHILE pants: CHOMO

pants: T DEUCE I AM FAT GETTING FATTER BUT NOT AT MY FATTEST YET deuce: YOU'VE GOT A GOOD 10-15 MINUTES LEFT pants: EATING BAGELS AS FAST AS I CAN

spigot: CHOO CHOO HERE COMES THE COCK spigot: OH NO THE BRIDGE IS OUT spigot: WHERE WILL THE COCK GO spigot: OPEN YOUR FUCKING MOUTH spigot: WAKE UP AND CHOKE IT DOWN

deuce: [REDACTED] [REDACTED] HOLES [REDACTED] deuce: IT'S YOUR HOLE deuce: YOU PICK

: It was only much later that we realized John Wayne was not a very convenient signpost, even with all the excellent navigational aids available in Heaven. spigot: CAN WE DECAPITATE THE WHALES OR IS THAT JUST CHOPPING THEM IN HALF spigot: NOT SURE WHERE THE HEAD IS

spigot: CHOPPING UP COKE WITH MY LUCKY REWARDS CARD AND SNORTING IT UP WITH MY BONUS FAMILY MINUTES

deuce: GLAHGLAHGLAGHLAGHLAGHLA DICKS spigot: IF I AM HEARING YOU RIGHT....... spigot: OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW

pants: CHOWN ME pants: ANY OWNER WILL DO pants: CHMOD ME pants: 777 SO ALL CAN SAMPLE MY TALENTS, MY WARES pants: AND SO FORTH

pants: CHRIST IS LORD pants: DON'T COPY THAT FLOPPY pants: SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO GET THE JAWS OF LIFE FROM THE TRUCK

pants: THIS IS NOT A DRILL pants: STAND DOWN MEN pants: HALGHALHGLAG

pants: `GET STARTED: BUILD AN APP ON TWITTER` pants: OW OW THE CORNERS OF MY MOUTH ARE RIPPING pants: `THE PHONE NUMBER IS ALREADY ASSOCIATED WITH ANOTHER TWITTER ACCOUNT.` pants: OH CHRIST JESUS

deuce: CHRIST ON A CRUTCH I'M FAT pants: S A M E

spigot: I OFFICIALLY DISKLIKE DICK spigot: APRIL FOOLS HURBLE DUH deuce: CHRIST ON A MOTHERFUCKING CROSS spigot: DO YOU SUCK DICKS WITH THAT MOUTH???????????????

deuce: CHRIST ON A MOTHERFUCKING CROSS spigot: DO YOU SUCK DICKS WITH THAT MOUTH????????????

pants: SPIGOT THE BEAR spigot: CHRISTMAS 2008 pants: V I S I T T H E O F F I C I A L S I T E spigot: SPIGOTTHEBEARMOVIE.COM pants: THIS FILM NOT YET RATED spigot: SONYPICTURESCLASSICS.COM/MIRAMAX/ASSETS/S/SPIGOTTHEBEAR?TRACK=84KRF84KF8J37RJ98FJR

spigot: IS ANYTHING OPEN ON CHRISTMAS BESIDES MY MOUTH????????

pants: T SPIGOT WEEDS HAVE GROWN IN MY TROUSERS pants: MAYBE YOU COULD REACH IN THERE AND TUG THEM OUT pants: MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM THE BONEQUEST BOYS hanford: WHERE'D THE GUY IN THE ALIEN SUIT GO

pants: T DEUCE DO WE WANT POTATOES OR YAMS FOR OUR JERKCITY CHRISTMAS deuce: PEANUTS, POPCORN, PRESENTS pants: SO YAMS THEN deuce: I GUESS

pants: NEXT UP: CHRISTMAS PISS spigot: LICK MY DICK FOR MORE COOL HOLIDAY CYBERDEALS spigot: SURE ARE A LOT OF MOUNTAIN MIKE'S PIZZAS ON THE DRIVE UP THE COAST pants: WHICH COAST ARE YOU ON spigot: W I THINK pants: NODS

pants: DOWN GO MY PANTS deuce: UP GO THE COPS pants: SAY CHUBBYBUNNY 3 TIMES WITH A DICK IN YOUR MOUTH deuce: PASS

atandt: I SWEAR ON THE HOLY BIBLE I WILL NEVER OPEN THE CHUBBY DIRECTORY AGAIN atandt: GOD HONOR COUNTRY PEOPLE DICK PEAR'S atandt: T NEWS ADMIN PLEASE GET MORE CHUBBY ALT GROUPS AND DIRS THANKS (XOXO ATANDT)

spigot: T PANTS COULD YOU PLEASE DISABLE LOGKEEPING WHILE I VIEW THE CHUBBY MEN

pants: I'M A LIGHT BULB pants: SCREW ME IN pants: BLBLBLLBLBLBL BILL O'REILLY AND HIS CHUBBY REPUBLICAN DICK BLBLBLBL

pants: LET US PRAY TO WHATEVER'S UP THERE

spigot: CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OR LATTER DAY SUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH spigot: SUHHHHHH GUHHHHHH PTH SUHH

spigot: :LOL: CHURCH SHOOTINGS pants: THEY CANCEL EACH OTHER OUT deuce: HOW CAN YOU LAUGH AT SOMETHING SO COMPLETELY HILARIOUS

spigot: PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU GET TO THE CHURROS spigot: ALSO IF YOU COULD PLEASE FELLATE THEM WHILE I BEAT OFF IN YOUR WIFE'S FACE atandt: T SPIGOT LEAVE THE WOMENFOLK OUT OF THIS spigot: I HAVE NO OTHER WAY TO MEASURE MY PROGRESS

spigot: THESE DICKS WERE LICKED BY TRAPPIST MONKS

spigot: IF :POINT-RIGHT: I :POINT-LEFT: WERE A VILLAIN spigot: I'D GO TO THE ROOFTOP BAT SIGNAL WITH A BIG OL' SHARPIE AND MAKE A SPEECH BALLOON SAYING I'M GAY spigot: WHAT??????? A GAY BATMAN TALKING OUT LOUD WITH SPECIAL WORDS THAT DRAW THEMSELVES ON CLOUDS????? THIS LITERALLY DOES NOT ADD UP spigot: THEN I'D BEAT OFF ON THE CITIZENS OF GOTHAM spigot: NOW WHO'S GAY??? I WOULD CACKLE THROUGH THE NIGHT HASHTAG THECACKLER HASHTAG U GOT CACKLED

pants: T SPIGOT CAN I GRAB YOUR HEAD AND JUST SHAKE IT AROUND pants: YOU CITY FOLK ARE ALL THE SAME pants: NUGGGGGGGGGGGGH ANAL spigot: WHO WANTS MUFFINS

pants: I HAVE SOMETHING IN MY EYE pants: OH GOD A BEE pants: I HATE PICNICS