spigot: PLEASE BEAT ME OFF TEN TIMES A DAY spigot: HOOOOOOOOOOO HURRRRR spigot: THAT'S ABOUT IT

spigot: TEN WAYS WOMEN CAN MAKE STRIDES IN THE WORKPLACE !!!!!!!1111 deuce: 1. GO HOME deuce: 2. BLOW ME deuce: 3. THEN BLOW THAT ONE THERE spigot: NOTE: I WAS NOT ACTUALLY SUGGESTING WE MAKE A LIST spigot: HURMPTH BLUH STRAWBERRY PRESERVES

spigot: TEN YEARS AGO I WAS IN WIREDD spigot: F-FIFTY YEARS AGO BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP NURSE

pants: WELL I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH ROOFIES FOR EVERYBODY deuce: EVERYBODY BUT YOU deuce: YOU GET TO BE AWAKE DURING THE PROCEDURE pants: I AM THE DEFACTO FONDLER spigot: IS THAT ANTIBACTERIAL HANDSOAP

deuce: WHO WANTS TO PRACTICE "ORAL SEX" WITH ME pants: CAN I USE "MY MOUTH"

spigot: T DEUCE MY TENTPOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! deuce: T SPIGOT I DON'T GET IT

deuce: UH OH, AN INTERNET BUDDY OF MINE HAS TERMINAL CANCER pants: WELL BE SURE TOLET HIM KNOW THAT2022 IS THE YEAROF DESKTOP LINUX FOR SURE THIS TIME

deuce: GUYS GUYS MICROSOFT UPDATED THEIR TERMS OF SERVICE pants: ARE YOU SURE pants: I DIDN'T GET ANY EMAIL ABOUT THIS pants: MAYBE MY LAWYER DID pants: ASKING AND GENERATING 15M OF BILLABLE HOURS TO GET A "NO" ANSWER

pants: HELP pants: HELP HELP pants: FOR GOD'S SAKE SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME atandt: WHAT NOW pants: I HAVE DONE A TERRIBLE THING atandt: RESTRAINING ORDER? pants: NO atandt: LICKED TOO MANY DICKS AT ONCE? pants: I DON'T UNDERSTAND atandt: ARE YOU HURT OR SICK pants: I REQUIRE SOME ASSISTANCE atandt: SPLAIN pants: REMEMBER THE GOTH GIRL I MARRIED ??? atandt: KIND OF pants: WELL WE NEED TO DIG A GOTH GIRL SIZED HOLE atandt: IS SHE DEAD pants: KIND OF atandt: ELABORATE pants: SHE'S CANADIAN atandt: I'LL GET THE SHOVEL

pants: why not just pop it in your mouth for a test drive, to see how you like it

unknown: piss is the best deuce: it's filled with vitamins unknown: vitamin P deuce: vitamin D for delicious unknown: D is also for deli-- oh you just said that okay

deuce: YOU ARE ALL TEXTBOOK UNEMPLOYABLE

spigot: BEATING OFF INTO A SCENTED CANDLE spigot: SORRY BUT I BE SPITTIN STRAIGHT FACT

pants: BEGINNING IN JUST A-- pants: BEGINNING IN JUST A FEW MINUTES pants: IN ELECTRO-SYNTHAMAGNETIC MUSICAL SOUND ozone: WILDLIFE SPECIALISTS CALMED LOCAL RESIDENTS SAYING THAT SUCH BEHAVIOR ON THE PART OF GORILLAS WAS RATHER UNLIKELY pants: BEGINNING atandt: THE GOVERNOR'S TROOPS HAVE BEEN DISPATCHED TO THE AREA atandt: WE WILL PROVIDE FURTHER INFORMATION AS IT BECOMES AVAILABLE pants: WE'RE SORRY THAT THE WEATHER IS NOT MORE PLEASANT BUT YOU CAN STILL FIND MUCH TO SEE AND DO HERE hanford: (SCREECHES) OH BUENOS DIAS RIGHT HERE BELOW ME IS THE MAGIC GARDEN atandt: AND IT LOOKS AS THOUGH TODAY IS OUR DAY atandt: THANK YOU AND WE HOPE YOU'LL BE BACK TO VISIT US AGAIN SOON pants: THANK YOU

pants: T DEUCE THANK GOD I'M A COUNTRY BOY deuce: T PANTS GURGLE, SPURT

spigot: T DEUCE THANK HEAVENS FOR CHUBBY MEN deuce: GOD BLESS MY DICK

pants: CHECK IT OUT I'M HARD spigot: DOES THAT MEAN YOU CAN SMOKE DOPE IN EVERY ROOM spigot: T DEUCE DOPE IS MARIJUANA OR "WEED" deuce: I AM YOUR DOG pants: T DEUCE ALSO MARY JANE OR CRANK OR CRACK deuce: T SPIGOT THANK YOU (CONFUSED)

spigot: DEMOTED TO FIRST LIEUTENANT STABBIN deuce: FROM THIS WE CAN DETERMINE THAT STABBIN IS A SOLDIER OR A MARINE AND NOT A SAILOR

deuce: that's an awful lot of boring shit, thanks

spigot: THREE HITS TO MY SITE TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! spigot: OKAY THANKS FOR THAT spigot: {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ CYBERHUGZ }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

spigot: SUCK A DICK spigot: thanks for the gold kind stranger

deuce: COCKS spigot: SOAKING WET THANKS TO YOU

pants: IF YOU LAID THEM END TO END I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED deuce: THE FIRE DEPARTMENT DOESN'T REALLY GET CATS OUT OF TREES BELIEVE ME pants: PEOPLE EITHER FOR THAT MATTER pants: THE WORST THANKSGIVING EVER

: An error has occured. To contur : Press Enter to return to Windows : Press CTRL+ALT_DEL to restart yc : you will lose any unsaved inforn : Error: 0D : 014F : 00007E57 : Press any deuce: ALSO FOR GOD'S SAKE STUFF A COCK DOWN MY GULLET spigot: HAPPY THANKSGIVING deuce: GLURK

deuce: I AM ALL READY FOR HUGE FAT AMOUNTS OF DICKSUCKING TOMORROW deuce: what do you mean turkey

pants: MAVIS BACON TEACHES HANDJOBS deuce: WITH THAT BEAMING SMILE pants: WHAT A WHORE deuce: DON'T YOU TALK ABOUT MS. BACON THAT WAY deuce: I'M A QUANTUM SUPERPOSITION OF TWO STATES: |GAY> + |FAG>

deuce: OKAY MAYBE FAILURE IS AN OPTION pants: CHECKING THAT BOX

pants: NO SUCH THING AS A JERKCITY GIFT CARD ??????? THEN WHAT THE HELL MAN WHAT THE HELL pants: SWEATPANTS + LED ZEPPELIN T-SHIRT = TRY AND KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF pants: HURRRRRRR CAN YOU SMELL THAT BUTTERY WARM FRAGRANCE THAT IS THE ESSENCE OF JIZZ AND, UH, CINNAMON FOR SOME REASON

pants: why can't you and I beat each other off normally deuce: because that doesn't sell the goose

pants: WHAT ABOUT THAT DOORBELL spigot: DING DUH

spigot: WHAT DO WE WANT????? spigot: BIG DICKS spigot: WHEN DO WE WANT THEM????? spigot: OOP, DID NOT THINK THAT FAR AHEAD

: Net (pictured left) first appeared in Jerkcity #150 (1999). Pants (right) first appeared in Jerkcity #2 (1998). They have been trapped here ever since. net: AGGRESSIVE DICKS pants: THE BEST KIND net: PUSHING ON YOU pants: NO REGRETS

pants: HOW DO YOU SPELL GUACAMOLE deuce: I THINK YOU GOT IT deuce: ARE YOU WRITING A SHOPPING LIST ?!?!? OR ARE YOU LOOKING FOR TIPS ON GIVING HEAD SOUTH OF THE BORDER pants: ACCORDING TO WEBSTERS IT IS GUACAMOLE deuce: T PANTS WHO CARES ABOUT THE SPICK WORDS (EVEN THE ONES YOU EAT) pants: T DEUCE TRUE BUT SINCE I SUCK SPICK DICK FROM TIME TO TIME I MIGHT AS WELL LEARN THE LANGUAGE !! COCKSUCKAMOS ?????????????? (WE ALL YOU GET THE IDEA)

spigot: HAND ME THE BINOCULARS SO I CAN ZOOM IN ON THAT GUY'S BASKET spigot: HURF spigot: BLUH

pants: STEPHEN FRY IS ACTIVELY BATTLING PROSTATE CANCER deuce: WITH WHAT A BROOMSTICK

spigot: I AM FLOPPING BOTH MY PANTS POCKETS OUT AND ASKING YOU TO KISS THE BUNNY ON THE NOSE atandt: THAT IS NO BUNNY atandt: THAT'S A BIG PINK ELEPAHHHAAHURRRRR I'M GEORGE OF THE JUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU atandt: HELP spigot: GET THAT MAN AN ICE COLD PRICK

spigot: CAN SOMEONE REMIND ME WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT OF GAMES? pants: ESCAPE FROM REALITY (IE: FAT, GAY, RETARDED) spigot: THAT IS PORNOGRAPHY

pants: HELP HELP MY GIANT AMERICAN PENIS WANTS TO PISS ON THE FLOOR BUT THAT WOULD BRING SHAME TO MY FAMILY

pants: BUNNIES LIKE DICK (I CAN PROVE THIS) pants: T DEUCE IS THIS YOUR BUNNY (IN YOUR BUNNY CAGE) deuce: NO IT'S MY WANG pants: AWESOME deuce: PUT YOUR HEAD IN THE CAGE

spigot: T PANTS YOU PROMISED DONGS AND BONGS AND BURGERS, INSTEAD I HAVE BEEN HELPING YOU PULL WEEDS FOR FORTY FIVE MINUTES pants: I EXPECT THAT KIND OF NONSENSE FROM THE CHING-CHONGS AND THE HOO-BOOS AND THE HURRR-DUHS pants: HEY GUYS I'VE ASKED YOU ALREADY TO PLEASE REFER TO ME AS "MANGALORD" IN BOTH E-MAIL CORRESPONDENCE AND IN MEATSPACE

pants: AbstractQueueable looks like AbstractQueerable and that makes me uncomfortable deuce: all over an AbstractSquirtable

pants: WHY ARE YOU HITTING ME WITH THAT MALLET deuce: NO REASON pants: BUT

deuce: I LIKE DICK deuce: ALSO: I *LICK* DICK spigot: THAT ONE LETTER MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE, AND YET NO DIFFERENCE

pants: THAT ONE THERE pants: GET HIM pants: HE'S SLIPPERY pants: CAN'T HANG ON pants: HOLY GOD pants: OFER pants: ROM CHECK OK pants: GAME OVER

pants: T SPIGOT WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT NO COCKS AFTER 10PM pants: T SPIGOT OH SORRY I THOUGHT YOU WERE THAT OTHER GUY pants: T DEUCE WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT NO COCKS AFTER 10PM

deuce: A SHOE TO THE NUTS IS WORTH TWO IN THE BUSH dick: A PENNY SAVED IS ONE LESS DICK I'VE GOT TO SUCK THIS WEEK pants: 10% OFF BORDERS, STARBUCKS, WHITE CASTLE, THAT ADULT BOOKSTORE THAT SMELLS LIKE SEMEN, THAT OTHER ONE TOO pants: HALGHULAHGLUAG BLBLBLBLB BEATING OFF TO WOMEN'S PRISON DOCUMENTARIES NARRATED BY BILL KURTIS BAGHALG GHLAUBGLAHBG

deuce: "AAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAA," COMMENTED TERI WEIGEL spigot: WHY CAN'T YOU CUT THAT POOR GIRL A CHECK deuce: SHE WON'T FUCKING LEAVE deuce: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" IN THE BACKGROUND

pants: all men are pervs deuce: that's untrue and to prove it I'm going to rub my dick in your face spigot: lol at that sagging air mattress pants: cross-referencing and sorting all the times i groped on things, got groped on

spigot: GOD SAID IT / I SUCKED ON IT / THAT SETTLES IT

spigot: GOTTA SAY I'M NOT COMFORTABLE WITH ANY OF THOSE GAY THEMES pants: THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER CLICK THROUGH spigot: MAYBE "THAT SIDE OF THE MALL" SHOULD STAY CLOSED

spigot: WHERE ARE MY FUCKING AWARDS?!?!?!?!?!? spigot: WORKING LATE INTO THE NIGHT AND TILL NOON THE NEXT DAY DRAWING DICKS AND DONGS AND I GET NOTHING spigot: SOMEONE NEEDS TO GET WITH THE PROGRAM AND THAT SOMEONE IS EVERYONE

deuce: MOTHERFUCKER spigot: THAT IS NOT THE SORT OF LANGUAGE I EXPECT FROM A WEB DEVELOPER

spigot: ALSO YOU'VE BARELY EVEN LOOKED AT MY BALLS spigot: EITHER ONE spigot: WIPE THAT SOUR-GRAPES LOOK OFF YOUR FACE AND GET SMOOSHY

uncredited green dinosaur: T DEUCE THAT THING uncredited green dinosaur: THAT THING IS HAPPENING AGAIN uncredited green dinosaur: T DEUCE I'M SERIOUS uncredited yellow dinosaur: LEAVE ME OUT OF THIS fucking faggots uncredited green dinosaur: IT IS HAPPENING AGAIN uncredited orange dinosaur: HGLHLAHLAG uncredited orange dinosaur: SHUT UP uncredited green dinosaur: NO I'M SERIOUS uncredited orange dinosaur: I'M TRYING TO JERK uncredited orange dinosaur: splork splut jizzy

spigot: ate a burrito, then a second burrito spigot: it feels like two prestologs in my tummy spigot: no sympathy ??? spigot: fine, doing poos on your laptop and waffle-ironing it shut spigot: really eyeballing that third burrito

pants: DO YOU EVER THINK ABOUT THAT TIME IN THE TOILET deuce: WHICH TIME (CAN YOU BE MORE SPECIFIC)

deuce: REMEMBER THAT VOYAGER EPISODE WHERE TUVOK WAS TRAPPED ON A PLANET WITH SCARED CHILDREN AND IT TURNED OUT THEY WERE OLD PEOPLE ABOUT TO DIE BUT THEIR SPECIES AGES BACKWARDS pants: WHAT deuce: I MEAN WHAT pants: WHAT deuce: !!! pants: !!!1

hanford: BHLEUBH$LBH(%*) hanford: I SAY AGAIN @$ISFMN$ hanford: HOO spigot: THAT WAS INAPPROPRIATE

spigot: I'M "CLAMPED" BETWEEN YOUR "ASS AND LEGS" deuce: WHIRR

deuce: T PANTS IF I FEED YOU PUPPY CHOW WILL YOU GROW UP TO BE A STRONG BOY pants: T DEUCE I WILL BE A FAT BLOB deuce: T PANTS THAT WILL ALSO SUFFICE

pants: CAN'T YOU JUST BE A PENGUIN I CAN RUN UP TO AND FUCK (WITHOUT FLYING AWAY) pants: WHERE I GREW UP THE PENGUINS WOULDN'T SQUAWK OR BITE THEY FUCKING LOVE IT AND FORM A SINGLE-FILE LINE deuce: THAT WAS A DREAM pants: HOLD STILL ANYWAY

spigot: I'M A VAMPIRE deuce: ME TOO deuce: OKAY THAT WOULD BE COOL I GUESS spigot: WE CAN BE FAGGOTS spigot: LOVE deuce: GLUG

spigot: I'M A VAMPIRE deuce: ME TOO spigot: WE CAN BE FAGGOTS deuce: OKAY THAT WOULD BE COOL I GUESS spigot: LOVE deuce: GLUG

spigot: I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY, BUT I'M HERE pants: S-SHOULD I TAKE MY SHIRT OFF OR pants: NO THAT WOULD BE WRONG

deuce: SURE IS QUIET NOW THAT PANTS GOT PREGNANT

deuce: THAT YOU HAVE DIABETES IS FUCKING FUNNY

deuce: EAT SHIT FUCKFACE pants: T DEUCE LANGUAGE

pants: BIG DICKS deuce: TELL ME MORE pants: THAT'S ABOUT IT

spigot: SOMETIMES YOU JUST WANT TO JERK OFF TO CHUBBY MEN AND THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT spigot: I DON'T OWE YOU AN EXPLANATION

spigot: IN SPACE NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU LICK DICK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! spigot: :SATELLITE: :SATELLITE_ANTENNA: ACTUALLY I'M RECEIVING REPORTS THAT'S ALL YOU CAN HEAR spigot: THE BACKGROUND RADIATION IS 100% DICKLICKING SOUNDS

spigot: WHEN YOUR MOUTH / CHOKES ON DICK / LIKE A BIG FUCKING PRICK spigot: THAT'S AMORE spigot: WHEN YOUR DONG'S / GETTING LONG / AND IT'S STUCK IN THE BONG spigot: THAT'S AMORE spigot: SERIOUSLY I'M OUT OF TOILET PAPER

spigot: OH I UNDERSTAND spigot: FOR EVERY ONE THAT GOES IN MY MOUTH spigot: I GET TWO POKED UP MY BIG FAT ASS spigot: THAT'S FAIR

spigot: DISNEY TO REMOVE COSBY STATUE spigot: WELL THAT'S JUST

deuce: WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM THAT'S MY HEAD WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM HELP ME spigot: EAST BAY SPURTS / NORTH VALLEY SQUIRTS

pants: QUIET I THINK THERE'S A BEAR OUTSIDE OF OUR TENT deuce: THAT'S NO BEAR

pants: COCKS pants: THAT'S NOT HEALTHY deuce: WE'RE NOTHING IF NOT deuce: OKAY I CAN'T COME UP WITH A GOOD WORD TO END THAT SO I'LL JUST CHOOSE "STUPID"

spigot: MORE LIKE THE GA:ZZZ:A STRIP

pants: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE deuce: THAT'S RIGHT BUDDY

deuce: BEATING OFF FEELS GOOD spigot: THAT'S THE SPIGOT PROMISE

deuce: I HAVE ONE RULE WHEN IT COMES TO CHICKS deuce: THAT THEY DON'T HAVE ROLLS pants: OR ASSES deuce: AND THAT THEY AREN'T WHITE pants: WAIT deuce: OKAY THAT'S TWO RULES deuce: YOU ARE DISTURBING MY CONCENTRATION

pants: A LITTLE POO ON THE FLOOR spigot: I GET BY spigot: WITH A LITTLE POO spigot: ON THE FLOOR pants: THE B-SIDE IS "SHIT (THAT'S WHAT I WANT)" deuce: JERKING A LOT HERE

atandt: I CAN SURE SUCK SOME DICK: AT LEAST THAT WHAT IS SAYS IN STALL 4 pants: I WROTE THAT pants: IS THIS VI pants: :WQ deuce: FAG

deuce: :AVOCADO: deuce: PUT YOUR WIENER IN ME pants: REMOVE THE PIT FIRST deuce: NOPE deuce: THAT'S WHAT YOU FUCK deuce: (FRICTION) pants: IT'S GONNA GET SLOPPY deuce: THAT'S WHAT MAKES AMERICA GREAT

pants: I FELL DOWN THE STAIRS spigot: THAT'S WHAT ***SHE*** SAID deuce: LICK MY DICK spigot: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID spigot: THAT'S WHAT ***SHE***SAID deuce: ALL RIGHT STOP spigot: THAT'S WHAT *******SHE******* SAID!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!! deuce: ENOUGH spigot: !!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!! !!!!! !!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!! spigot: !!!!!!!! !!!!! !!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!! !!!!! spigot: !!!! !!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!! !!!!!!!! spigot: !!!!! !!!!!!!!!! !! spigot: !! spigot: HURRRRRRRNNNGGGG spigot: !

deuce: THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR EXERCISING YOU DECADENT WESTERNERS

spigot: EXCUSE ME MA'AM spigot: YOU BETTER NOT BE DODGING WHAT I THINK YOU'RE DODGING spigot: (SIGH) THAT'S WHY WE PUT UP ALL THE SIGNS spigot: WELL YOU'D BETTER START PAYING ATTENTION IF YOU WANT TO BE 19 AND ABUSED

deuce: LONG, UNWASHED HAIR, HUGE LAPELS, AND UNBUTTONED SHIRTS pants: CHEST HAIR ANDFLOPPY DUMB DONGS pants: WE DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO GET HARD UNTIL THE NINETEEN EIGHTIES pants: THIS IS CNN

spigot: I USE GENTOO AND I AM TRANS

spigot: ARE WE OLD ENOUGH TO CONCEAL-CARRY GRABBERS spigot: IF YOU BUY A TALL DRAFTING STOOL, GET A GRABBER SO YOU DON'T THROW YOUR BACK OUT GETTING ON AND OFF THE 25-CENT SAFEWAY WIGGLE HORSE spigot: THE EXTRA HEIGHT MEANS THINGS ACCUMULATE MORE GRAVITY (GRAVITY PARTICLES) AND WHACK THE GROUND LOUDER

spigot: fuckin' fuck yes spigot: super pleased over here spigot: turning vacation responder on

deuce: I'M TRYING TO CRAFT HUMOR HERE deuce: WHERE DOES THE DONG GO IN THE 3X3 GRID pants: WELL IT DOES START WITH A D SO UPPER RIGHT deuce: UPPER LEFT OR UPPER RIGHT pants: AAAAAAAAAAND pants: IF YOU POKE / AND CHOKE IT pants: THEN I WILL / RUN AWAY deuce: I'LL TAKE THE CENTER TO BLOCK

deuce: I HAD THE 6 AM SHITSQUIRTS pants: NOTHING LIKE SITTING ON THE TOILET, HALF-AWAKE

pants: [20~[20~ pants: [20~ pants: [20~ pants: [20~ pants: [20~ pants: [20~ pants: [20~ pants: [20~[20~

spigot: OOF spigot: OW spigot: BONK

pants: hey uh pants: i think my junk is stuck pants: could you go to the other end of this hollow log and see what's what in there deuce: I see the abyss pants: well the abyss is staring back at you (bored voice)

pants: ACCUSED OF BEATING OFF IN VALLEJO WHEN I WAS ACTUALLY BEATING OFF IN WALNUT CREEK spigot: :NOTES: UP :NOTES: :NOTES: TOWN :NOTES: :NOTES: FARTS :NOTES: spigot: :NOTES: I PUT MY :NOTES: :NOTES: PENIS IN YOUR :NOTES: :NOTES: MEYER LEMON TARTS :NOTES:

pants: LET'S ALL PAUSE TO TAKE A SHIT ON THE YELLOW ROSE OF TEXAS pants: SHITTING ON THE ALAMO, THE STATE BIRD, THE SEQUEL TO INDEPENDENCE DAY (IN THEATERS NOW) deuce: INDEPENDENCE DAY: SOME GUY SHIT ALL OVER US pants: IT WAS MOSTLY SOLID AND SMELLED AWFUL deuce: TAGLINE: THE END WAS KIND OF LIQUIDY THOUGH

pants: which should i buy, a 2016 toyota shitbox or a 2010 ford fagface deuce: a 2018 Kia Sorrento